The biggest thing that I have found, not only within myself, but within clients, is the underlying behavior pattern that even goes beyond “I’m not good enough, I’m not deserving,” those limiting beliefs that we have, is the idea of self-pity.
A lot of people will initially go “That’s ridiculous. I don’t have self-pity.” The thing is, whether you have a little bit of self-pity or whether you have a lot of self-pity, either way it is an issue. We all know those people that are constantly throwing their own little pity parties, and maybe you don’t identify with them. Maybe you’re not constantly feeling sorry for yourself or playing the victim. But I will tell you, if you ever hear yourself say, “Why doesn’t the Law of Attraction work for me? Why is this not happening for me? Maybe I’m not deserving. Maybe I’m not meant to have my ideal body.” This relates to anything; it could be your finances; it could be relationships. If you find yourself in a place of being powerless, in a place of being, “The Universe isn’t supporting me,” all of that is stemming from self-pity.
Again, whether you do it a little bit, even if it’s just a smidge, or you do it a lot, you are coming from a place of absolute powerlessness. What that looks like is, “The Universe isn’t supporting me in this. Why isn’t the Universe supporting me? This stuff always happens to me. Why does this always happen to me? Poor me.” If you keep following those thoughts and following those beliefs, underneath it all you come to this point of, “Oh my gosh, poor me. I can’t attract the guy that I want. I always attract these losers.” Continue to follow those thoughts, whatever they are, and follow them back, and underneath it all you’ll find, “I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not thin enough.” It’s all, yes, coming from a lack mentality, but beyond that is self-pity.
Self-pity is something that isn’t just an emotion. It encompasses a lot of things. It’s a mindset; it’s a behavior. It’s literally a habit. People get into this victim space (or even rescuing space) when they’re trying to create something and it isn’t happening. I know I’ve done this many times in my life with my weight where I say to myself, “I’m doing all that I can. I’m eating and I’m working out, but I just can’t lose the last ten pounds no matter what I do.” That’s like, “Poor me.” So then I would be in that space of “poor me,” not even 100% conscious that I was doing it and then from that space, I would go eat chocolate or do something else to sabotage myself.
Based on the Law of Attraction, when you are coming from a space of self-pity, when you are coming from a space of powerlessness, you are in the lowest vibration that there is in the Universe. There is nothing that you don’t have power over. That is the truth! You are not powerless to anything. You are all divine creative beings. There’s nothing that you don’t have dominion over. There’s nothing where you can’t step into a sense of empowerment. When you are in that place of feeling powerless, that’s when you’re in a space of self-pity. Again, just a little bit, it could be a smidge, or it could be a huge full-out pity party parade; it doesn’t matter. It’s all coming from that place.
This whole entire thing about self-pity is that it is a learned behavior! It’s something that we may have learned from our parents. For example, I believe in the Universal Laws and the Law of Attraction, but my dad believes in Murphy’s Law – if anything wrong could happen, it will. You know how people have those framed prints all around their offices, with empowering sayings like, “You can achieve any goal,” or “Reach for any mountain”? He would have “Murphy’s Law” signs all around his office. He definitely believed in, “Something bad is going to happen. Something worse is going to happen.” That’s all from the place of being the victim; everything is negative, everything is going to go wrong, etc.
I learned that space of powerlessness from my dad. I also learned the space of being a martyr, and being a martyr is coming from a place of self-pity as well. I learned that from my mom. I also learned to be a rescuer to my sister. She was the victim and I would rescue her. But to play the rescuer is also a form of self-pity, because the relationship can change in a second. The person that is doing the rescuing can’t actually rescue, because a victim never wants to change. They just want to have someone feel sorry for them. So the rescuer than starts to feel that they are not good enough, because they are not doing their job appropriately by not changing the victim’s circumstances. So they have failed. They are no good and now they say to themselves, “What is wrong with me? Poor me.” So as a child I learned these things by watching my parents. Most of our parents didn’t feel powerful. Did they feel powerful enough to create the bodies that they wanted? To create the finances that they wanted? To create anything that they wanted? Or were they victims to the economy, the gas prices, the war, their bodies, their finances, their jobs, etc.? If you have parents that came from that space, I suggest you look within yourself because you, too, probably learned that somewhere along the way.
The biggest thing that I want to touch on as it relates to any area where you are not creating what you want in your life, is that as a child you were in a place of powerlessness. I am sure you are aware that I have two sons. I look at Maxim, the baby (who just turned a year) and I can psychically see the pictures when he’s gibbering to me and he’s getting frustrated because he’s got this little body and he’s at the whim of me. Before he could walk or crawl he went where I decided he needed to go. When I decide to pick him up and move him to a different place, he has to go. He has no choice. He cannot control his own body. So this very powerful being feels powerless because he can’t control his own body. I’m the one that’s guiding him and helping him. I can see sometimes when he’s frustrated and that’s when he starts crying like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something else.” He’s powerless; he has to do what I want to do or go where I decide he goes. All of us were like that at a certain point in our lives.
Regardless of what kind of family situation we’re in, we all were in a place of being powerless, from a human perspective. Obviously from a spiritual perspective none of us are powerless. But in that space especially as you’re growing up, as you’re a child, you are in a space of powerlessness. You depend on your parents for everything. And if they’re not giving you the type of love or attention that you want or feel you deserve, a lot of times you would go into self-pity to numb yourself, to soothe yourself. It’s like a dog licking its wounds.
We go into this space where we are feeling sorry for ourselves because it makes us feel better. For example, if you are doing that because maybe you believe you have a dysfunctional family, self-pity is the ultimate addiction. It’s the first addiction. It’s before food; it’s before cigarettes; it’s before drugs or alcohol or shopping and overspending. It’s the first real addiction. It is literally an addiction where you continue to feel sorry for yourself. And it does anesthetize us. It makes us not have to really own our feelings and really be present with our feelings. It makes us not take responsibility for our lives and really step into our full power. Again, I could go on and on about self-pity, but I wanted to give you this information because you may be hearing yourself say, “I can’t create my ideal body,” or “It’s not happening fast enough for me,” or “I can’t lose the last ten pounds.” So if there are moments when you feel helpless, and you’re not creating what you want, look at where you may be feeling powerless.
I remember right after I was pregnant for the first time, which was right before I married two clients of mine, I had to find an outfit. So I went to the mall and I’m trying on all these clothes, and I was mortified that I could not fit into even a size 8 and I was like, “OMG, how could I have let myself go?” I left the mall totally disgusted because I couldn’t find anything. I thought, “What am I going to do for this wedding? I’m the one marrying them. What am I going to wear?” I called my friend, Dawn, and I said to her, “Bear with me. I’m in a total pity party. I just need someone to attend it with me.” She said, “Go.” I was crying and said, “I look horrible…my body…I used to look so good.” I threw my pity party and I was totally in that space of self-pity. And it made me feel better, frankly.
Being in that mirror with cellulite that I never even thought I had before and looking around and going, “OMG, whose butt is that?” was painful. So by crying about it and talking to her about it, I was able to throw myself a little pity party and then I felt better. I was able to release that emotion and feel better. But it’s important to not stay stuck in that, because if I had stayed stuck in that powerlessness, “Oh, my body is never going to be like it was before,” which is like all those false beliefs and myths, then I wouldn’t have had the power to really step in and own that I am a deliberate creator. I have dominion over my body.
It’s your life! You are the one, as a spirit, as a mind, who decides what you want to create in your life. That goes for any aspect of your life. There is nothing that you cannot create and not have power over when you step into that power as a divine creator. So it’s really important to start acknowledging that.
There is a process that you can do to change: The Four Steps to Lasting Change. The first step is to recognize what the situation is. I am going to use weight as an example for this process, but you can use it for anything you want to change in your life. So, when you’re feeling down, if you’re feeling “My clothes don’t fit me,” etc., recognize, “Okay, I’m not happy with the way I look. In this moment my clothes are feeling tighter on me,” or “I’m releasing weight but I’m not releasing it as fast as I would like to.” Whatever your situation is, just recognize it.
So again, the first step is recognize – recognize what the situation is. The second step is acknowledge, and there are two parts to that. The first part is to ask yourself, “Who is creating this situation?” The “Cliff Notes” answer to that is “I am.” You create everything in your reality. If you truly believe that, then the answer to that is always going to be, “I am. I am the one who is responsible for this.” So again, the second step is acknowledge, and the first question to acknowledge is “Who is creating this?” I am. The second question to acknowledge is “Why am I creating this?” A lot of times people will come up with a lot of different answers: I’m not good enough. I’m sabotaging myself. I’m trying to protect myself. All of these answers, if you really looked at all of them, they all stem from some form of self-pity. So if you can recognize where you are having self-pity, where you are feeling powerless in your own psyche, and then acknowledge it and take responsibility for it, you’ll really be courageous. It takes a lot of courage to realize that, “I’m the one creating this. I’m totally in a place of self-pity. I’m feeling badly about myself and here’s why.” It takes courage to do that.
Once you do that, then you can move on to the other steps. The third step is forgiveness. I’m not just saying, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgive myself,” I’m talking about truly getting into that energy of forgiveness. It’s the same with affirmations, which I have written about before in previous newsletters. Affirmations don’t work if you’re droning on, “I have a healthy and fit body.” You’re not moving any energy. You’re not feeling that. But it is a different thing if you’re in your body and you’re saying, “I HAVE A HEALTHY AND FIT BODY.” As you say it, you feel it! It’s the same thing with forgiveness. You forgive yourself. You let your heart open and you feel that sense of forgiveness for yourself for choosing to be in a place of powerlessness. It was a choice; you chose it. Maybe it was something that you chose as a young child and it continues to be a pattern, behavior, addiction, habit, whatever it is, but now here you are as an adult knowing that you have a different choice. You just forgive yourself for choosing it this time.
The fourth step is change. That’s where you realize that you are a deliberate creator. You are powerful to create whatever you want. You step into that empowerment. You start doing the affirmations. You start using the tools that you’ve learned during this course. Do whatever you need to do – maybe it’s tapping exercises, maybe it’s the holographic universe exercise, or maybe it’s the Salma Hayek exercise that we did. Maybe it’s different meditations or the future-based choices – whatever you need to do. Maybe you need to hire a coach, and I have several coaches in the Coaching Academy who are phenomenal, if you’d like to get some coaching. Many of them are going through their certification, and they would love to help you, and they would probably give you a couple of free sessions.
There’s so much available to you to get in that space of changing. Again, first, it’s recognize when you’re in a place of feeling negative emotions or not creating what you want. Recognize what the situation is. Second, acknowledge it—who is creating it and why? Third is to forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive your mom for teaching you what she’s taught you, forgive the Universe, God/Goddess/All That Is, and forgive whomever else you need to. And finally, change and move into that space of empowerment.