At times, we think that there are only two opposite sides of choice – the right one or the wrong one. In this episode, Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman discuss the all or nothing mindset. Not allowing yourself to consider the shades of gray can have a negative impact on the choices that you make. Applying to relationships, you need to look at the bigger perspective of why you are together in the first place. You need to accept all the aspects of the spectrum, not just the opposing ones. Only then can you see beyond the separate pieces of the puzzle.
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Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
All or Nothing
We’re talking about all or nothing. As I talked about in the Abundance Principle Coaching Program, there are nine automatic ways that people think negatively, and one of those ways is all or nothing thinking. It’s either up or down, left or right, good or bad, it’s all or it’s nothing.
The example I was giving is I couldn’t sleep and therefore that’s it, I need to get another bedroom. We need to buy another house so I could get another bedroom because I can’t sleep in the same bedroom with you, it’s all or it’s nothing. We’re either in a relationship or we’re out. There is no different spectrum, there are no shades of gray.
No options, no choices.
My heart is either all open or it’s completely closed down. This is being inside the drama triangle when you come from all or nothing thinking because you’re not allowing options. You’re not allowing choices. You’re not looking at both ends. You’re not looking at the spectrum of possibilities. It’s a very young consciousness of when a child learns things. They learn up, down, left, right, good, bad, this or that.
When it’s all or nothing, we can’t show up with different options. It makes it very hard in a relationship and it leads to a lot of times to cutting off. Maybe you have someone in your life that you feel betrayed you or you feel like you learned something about them to do a complete cut-off. To not have them in your life and like what they say, “Throw the baby out with the bathwater,” that’s all or nothing thinking.
You Always Do This.. You Never Do That.
It also comes with words that are associated with the all or nothing are always, like, “You always do this or you never do that.” These two words are associated with all or nothing emotions or situations. When we’re saying you have choices and options, it doesn’t mean that we want you to be wishy-washy with those options and then those choices that you have in your life. We mean that these choices make you clear and more specific to what you want.
I’ll give an example. I have a cousin and I’ve been very close with her most of my life. I’ve always looked out for her and been very generous with her and things like that. She tends to do a lot of drama and I love her very much.
There is a particular situation where she created a lot of drama that didn’t need to be created. Knowing what I know about drama, for me, I could see how stuck she is and that she is not understanding. For me, if I was in my old way of thinking of all or nothing, it would have been a complete cut off from that relationship entirely. Instead, I know that I don’t want to be as close to her as I used to be.
She doesn’t see what she doesn’t see in the drama that she is causing and some of the hurt that she caused because she’s talking behind my back and doing some dramatic theatrical things. Instead of having it be a total cut off where I don’t want her in my life, I’m not going to communicate with her anymore, and I’m hurt and betrayed. I let go of my emotions and I released the feelings that I had, but I still send her love. On birthday I texted her happy birthday, so it’s not like it’s a cut off situation.
All or Nothing: In having choices, being clear and having the right tools, you can get into an adult conversation instead of going into a space of cut off and closing off our hearts like a wounded child.
When we tend to get hurt, we either have an open heart to that person, where we’re all in or we’re completely closed down to them and that causes a cut-off. It makes it very difficult to have people in our lives that we love if we have that all or nothing thing. If we can’t find forgiveness in our heart, if we can’t look at the positive aspects of the person because not everybody is all bad or all good.
When you’re looking at a situation, even if in your couple like Frederic was saying, does your partner always do this thing? Are you one foot out of the door? Are you all in or are you out? What is it that for you in your relationship where you’re not allowing those shades of gray? You’re not allowing yourself to feel like maybe there are choices, maybe there are options, it’s not all this or nothing.
The closing off of our hearts creates the cutting off and that can be painful to the other partner, it’s being felt and it doesn’t need to go to that extreme. Even when conflicts arise, we don’t need to close off our hearts as a way to hurt, sometimes that’s what happens. In having choices and being clear and having the right tools, then we can move into more of an adult conversation when things arise and not go into space of cut off and closing off our hearts like a wounded child.
We were talking before about how some people when you’re in a relationship with them and they’re thinking that way that it’s either all or nothing that you’re terrified to make a mistake. You’re terrified to be yourself. You’re terrified that the love is going to be taken away, that’s how it affects the other person.
When you’re in this like, “Here’s all my love or here’s none of it.” The other person feels like I have to walk on eggshells because I don’t want them to cut off from me, I don’t want them to take their love. I don’t want them to leave, to abandon me. It doesn’t allow for both people to show up in their relationship vulnerable, openhearted and as individuals.
Watch yourself and see where your mind goes. Are you looking at different options and choices? Are you in all or nothing thinking? One of the things that we have to understand is that there is a universal law called the Law of Polarity from a non-physical perspective from our non-physical self. Non-physical energies don’t deal with polarity.
Here on planet Earth, we have up and down, left and right, fear and love, lack and abundance, and when you can look at all of it, including all of it in your experience. Not one or the other, but both, you might be having a situation where whatever turmoil you’re going in your relationship or whatever part of your life. Maybe you’re having money problems, you’re having issues with health, or you’re having a certain issue in a particular relationship.
When you look at what that issue, circumstance and condition are, then that becomes your full attention. It’s hard to see the full spectrum and the oneness, the totality of what’s possible on that one subject. For example, at times money is an issue in relationships, if you’re in lack and both of you are looking at what you don’t have and how you are afraid and you know what the finances are. You’re looking at this one particular situation. Know that’s one piece of the entire puzzle.
As your mind, thoughts and emotions are going to that situation of lack, you can expand and understand that in this holographic universe if that exists as a possibility, so does the potential, the probability and the possibility of abundance. What would abundance look like in this particular area? It’s not one or the other, it’s both ends.
When you can look at and start to appreciate that this life experience has the lack and it’s like, “That’s not what I want anymore, I want to feel the abundance. I want to experience abundance and understand that that’s the whole total oneness of that thing.” You can be in a complete picture, then you can be in a place of fulfillment understanding the polarity of things and then it’s not this or that, it’s all.
That’s the practice that needs to be done. It’s an everyday thing because our mind sometimes goes back into that little piece that’s missing of the puzzle. The money situation, wanting to explain, wanting to justify the reasons why this is happening whether it’s a lack of it or why the money situation is bills are having to be paid, which is normal.
Practice Focusing On The Bigger General Perspective Of Why You Are Together.
These all are a human experience, but we want you to practice focusing on the bigger general perspective of why you are together. This is not the only reason why you are a couple together so that practice is an everyday situation, everyday thing that needs to be done together or as individuals.
Watch your words, watch what you say about yourself to yourself, watch what you say about your partner to you, and all or nothing thinking is one of those ways that you watch what you say, watch your words, watch your thoughts.
When you are having emotions of frustration and anger, any place of not feeling good, you’re in lack and understand that lack also has the probability and the possibility of also being evidence by abundance. That is not all or nothing, or this or that.
Next episode we are going to be talking about how to be an adult in your relationship. Many times, we are connecting with each other from child to child, wound to wound, and when we can come from adult to adult, that’s when we have a beautiful conscious connected couple.
If you want to learn more, if you want some of our support, you can go to ConnectedCoupling.com. We’re happy to hear your opinions and let’s continue the conversation over at ChristyWhitman.com because like Frederic likes to say, we want to know who you are.
We want to hear from you.
Have an amazing week everybody.
