As parents, there’s always the temptation to give in to every single one of your child’s whims, no matter how out of the way they may be, because you believe that’s what they deserve of you. But empowering your children isn’t just responding affirmatively to their every beck and call; there have to be boundaries somewhere. Christy Whitman and Frederic Gobeil bring up the subject of empowerment as it relates to children, and how you, as a parent, respond to their wants. Because of the way some parents give in to their children, these same children forget that their choices – and the consequences of said choices – matter. Make sure your child grows up with empowered decision-making skills!
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Conscious Parenting: Empower Your Children
We want to let you know that we are counting down four more episodes to the completion of this show because we started this show has a lot to say, a lot of information. We know you can’t get any information anywhere. You can get information on the drama triangle, but not as it relates to universal laws, working together as two married couples that are going through it.
The time has come to give out our information on a program that we created called From Drama to Love. You could go to FromDramaToLove.com and learn more about it. That will help you dive deeper into it. We’ve had a lot of great conversations and things that people don’t talk about. We’re going to spend the next four episodes doing that and it’s going to be a wrap.
These episodes will be available so you can review them. If you want to go deeper with Frederic and I and our work, we have this 30-day program. It’s a video program. It’s either myself, Frederic, or the both of us that are giving ways of understanding how you’re in the drama triangle, chaos, struggle, separation with your partner and how you move into the circle of love.
It combines everything that we’ve talked about here and more in a short little video program. We also offer our coaching programs and our couples retreat. We have an amazing VIP five-star couples retreat in Costa Rica in 2021 or Valentine’s day week. It’s exciting.
We are wrapping up these last four episodes. This episode is all about how to be a conscious parent and how to empower your children. This is a fun conversation because this is what we do as parents are that we’re here to teach our parents and parent if we were the universe. We want to parent our kids like we’re the universe. There’s always a cause and effect.
A lot of times I’ll see parents that get so resourceless. The kids throw in a tantrum or something and the parent to shut the kid up or to calm the kid down because the parent doesn’t know what to do. They give the kid a toy, candy or whatever the kid is wanting. That’s the worst thing we can do as parents because we’re rewarding a child for bad behavior. We’re giving a reward for something that needs to have a consequence instead of a reward.
How much do we want to let go of how we want to empower our children? Sometimes we do need to let go at certain points and we need to have them make their own choices. Yet again, they are children. We are parents. We, as parents, want to make sure that they do make the right choices. We protect them. We keep them into their energy of light, of how they are. Sometimes as parents, we wrap them up in a bubble a little too much. How much do we need to let go of that?
The other thing is as our small kids, we have to be in a rescue mode with them because we don’t know. Why are they crying? Are they hungry? Do they need their diaper changed? Are they tired? What are they needing? We have to guess. As they get older and are able to start communicating, we tend to do the same thing. We try to anticipate every need that they have and make things better for them.
Life is Based On Cause And Effect
At some point around 6, 7, 8-years-old, they have to start learning. Even before that, we were doing that with our kids. They have to start understanding that the behavior or the mood that they’re in doesn’t warrant some reward. That life is based on cause and effect.
There are rewards and consequences to be able to praise your kids and give them positive feedback and rewards. We’re not into a punishing, but there is a consequence. If you do something that’s not appropriate, you lose this time or you don’t get this or you don’t get the whatever the reward is. It’s important that we don’t rescue our kids. I have an example, Alex is now ten. It was to the point that he gets absent-minded in the mornings.
Empowering Your Children: As parents, you want to make sure your kids make the right choices.
On Fridays, they’re supposed to turn in their reading log. They read twenty minutes a day and we make sure that they do their homework. They write it down and Alex consistently was forgetting it on Fridays and so the teacher was still giving him full credit if he turned it in on the Mondays.
She let him know, “It’s not okay all the other kids are turning in their reading logs. You’re only going to get half the credit.” Alex gets straight-As. He’s studious. He likes the fact that he gets straight A’s. Now he is getting a B in language arts because he’s only getting half the credit for his reading log.
We sat down with him and said, “How can we set you up for success?” It’s not like, “We’re going to do this. We’re going to rescue.” We came to him, “What do you need? What can we do to help you and set you up for success and support you so that you remember your reading logs so you can turn it in on Fridays?”
We’ve tried talking to him also and giving him reminders that he needs to give his reading log in and that didn’t work.
It’s like this, “Alex, here’s your reading log. Make sure you bring your reading log.” He takes it. He looks at Jack. He puts it down, plays with a dog, walks out of the house. Unless I shoved it up to his butt, I’m like, “What could we do to set you up for success?” He said, “Put a sign on the door that tells me what I need every day and I’ll look at it and I’m reminded.”
We’re like a water bottle, lunch, the winter jacket and on Friday, his reading log. I typed this sign. There’s a sign on the door as he’s walking out into the garage that worked for about a week or two maybe and he started forgetting his reading log again.
He tells his father that it’s because the sign is not big enough. I bought one of those huge big pink neon signs. It says, “Remember your reading log.” I put it right by the door and he laughed. He remembered his reading log. When he’s completed, he might read 40 minutes on a Monday or Tuesday. He’s completed with his reading log by Wednesday. He’ll bring it earlier in the week to turn it in earlier.
He does not forget it because now he sees that his consequence was he got a B in that class rather than an A when he did the work. By empowering our kids to show them that they have choices. They have to take responsibility for what it is that they want in their lives. We’re able to help them with that.
The good thing is that the consequence doesn’t come from us as the parent. Often, we’ll hear parents give the child a consequence because he’s not listening or he’s not doing something.
That’s necessary sometimes.
Empowering Your Children: By empowering your kids, you show them that there are consequences that don’t come from you.
It is yes, but not necessarily always. In this particular case, it’s more like he got a consequence from the school. He understands that if there’s something that he’s not doing properly, then he’ll have that consequence from someone else. Their world used to revolve around mommy and daddy, but now the world is expanding for them. It’s more than mommy and daddy. That’s what I want to get into is that there’s a consequence of what affects their outside reality.
I remembered a few years ago, we went to Target and I was with the boys. I said, “Valentine’s Day is coming up.” It was a Sunday. We were at the store and I said, “Do you guys want to get Valentine’s little cards, gifts, candies or whatever?” Alex said, “Yes.” Maxim is like, “No, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to participate.”
He doesn’t want to participate in stuff like that. That’s his choice. Alex is like, “Yeah, I do, but I don’t want to get it now.” I said, “It’s either now or you have to let me know by tomorrow, which is Monday because I’m not waiting until the last minute.”
I said, “It’s either pick it now.” He goes, “I don’t want to pick it now.” I go, “Remember that you have tomorrow. I’ll go to the store tomorrow, but that’s it.” I told him on Monday, the next day, “Did you figure out what you want to give the kids for Valentine’s gifts?” He goes, “No, I have to think about it a little bit more.”
I said, “If you don’t pick it now and I don’t go to the grocery store now, you are not giving the Valentines.” He goes, “Okay, mom, I’ll let you know.” I let it go. I woke him up on Thursday morning on Valentine’s Day at [6:00] and he wakes up. He goes, “It’s Valentine’s Day. You’ve got to go, run to the store and get me the candies.”
I looked at him and I said, “I’d have to do what now? No, I told you Sunday and I told you Monday. This is your opportunity. If you want me to buy you something for the kids at school for your Valentine’s Day, that’s it. You’re expecting me now to run out, before school, which nothing is open and inconvenience myself. If you want to give Valentine’s Day stuff, you’re going to have to figure out a solution for yourself.”
I went downstairs. I got ready and did what we needed to do. He came up. He created cards that he made for every kid in his class because he felt it was important. He did it right before school. It was like I wasn’t the rescuer. I was empowering him, “Here are your choices.” Had I went, “Okay,” and ran out to the school, which, how many parents would do that? Go before school and have it be drama and chaos.
All frustrated, panicking, upset and screaming. I’m basically having a conflict now with him and ending up in a fight. Instead, it’s figuring out, so not letting the buttons being pushed from him because these are things that our children do.
They’ll come over and they’ll push our buttons, the lists of things that patterns in us that is inside of us. All of a sudden, these come out and they come out in sideways. They come out in frustration, a heightened level of emotion, a discharge of yelling or something. You were calm. You’re not going to rescue him that he had to figure out something on his own.
Don’t Try To Be The Perfect Parent
Here’s the thing, if that had been years ago, I hadn’t done my own work and I wanted to be the perfect mom that I could possibly be. I want to be the best mom I can be, but I don’t try to be perfect anymore because I’m not perfect. If that was the old me and I didn’t have this information, I would have run out to the store.
Empowering Your Children: How you grew up with your parents is how you learn to understand God or the universe.
I know many moms would have done that, felt resentful, pissed off and the whole thing. That’s where it was like I set up a boundary and said, “Sorry, I told you. I gave you many mornings, now what are you going to do?” That’s how we have to empower our kids is they have to say as we did with the reading log.
This is your grade. This is your work. You need to get credit for doing your work. We’re willing to help you. Let us set you up for success. If there’s something you need help with or we need to do for you, what would that be for you? He’s the one that came up with the sign. He’s the one that says not a big enough sign.
These are things that we have to be able to encourage our kids and show them that life is consequences. It’s the Law of Attraction. What you give out comes back. If you were being in a bad mood and being negative, it’s no wonder that happened or at the soccer game, no wonder you lost your game. It’s showing them that it’s the Law of Attraction.
It’s a cause and effect. It’s rewards and consequences. They need to learn that early because I can’t tell you how many adults I coach that they got their training as we all have from mom and dad. What most people don’t realize is that what we do with mom and dad as people that take care of us is we extend that into our understanding of what God is or what the universe is.
People get into this victim mentality because it was learned that for them. They get into a victim role with the universe, which none of us is a victim. That’s one of the things that we talk about in From Drama to Love that we have to get out of that role and to think of being a victim because we are empowered people and we have many choices. When you empower your kids, it’s like we get empowered as an adult.
It’s all based on what our options are because there are always options, what our choices are and choose what feels best for you because that’s how to empower your kids. We have to remember that as parents, we’re the adult and that if we’re coming from our eight-year-old to an eight-year-old, there are going to be power struggles.
One of our mentors would tell us that your adulthood is a time for you to grow up your child. Sometimes I see it with Frederic and Alex because Alex is ten, I could see it. It’s this power struggle between two ten-year-olds. When he remembers, I’m the adult and it gets into his man, there’s no question about it’s not a power overpower under, but it’s like he’s the adult. It’s his house. He makes the rules. He’s the child.
It’s having awareness. I’m now having the awareness and I’m aligned with my own power as a man, as an adult. I don’t need to have a talk with Alex and start arguing with him because he’s a child. He wants to understand why this is happening. All of the questions that a child has, sometimes it’s answering a couple of them and it’s enough.
As a child, sometimes Alex will push the boundaries. That’s normal. As an adult, it’s up to us to say, “I’ve told you that and it’s enough. Let’s move on to something else.” That’s where the adult comes in play and knowing when to stop, when to not have listened to the inner adult take control of the situation and not the child.
To wrap this up, to empower your kids and have them understand that this is a cause and effect universe, what you give out comes back. We’re either repelling things from us or attracting things to us. In their language, it’s either there’s a reward or there’s a consequence. When they understand that because they have to be responsible for the energy, their attitude, their thoughts.
For me, we’ve been talking to our kids before they can even understand, before they can talk because at what point do you then teach the kids? There’s got to be a point at which you teach them. There’s no better time than whatever age they are to start talking to them about that. Their thoughts create their reality. If they are misbehaving, don’t give them rewards for that.
Find out for yourself if you’re frustrated as a parent and you feel resourceless, there are many options for you too. There are many different coaches that have gone through the QSCA, the Quantum Success Coaching Academy, that do parenting coaching. You can reach out to Tabitha@ChristyWhitman.com if you need that extra resource and support.
If you yourself as a parent need that support, if you’re having your own buttons pushed, that’s what myself and the Council of Light do is that we help release and shrink those buttons so that you’re coming from an adult, you’re coming from an empowered, aligned place within yourself.
If you’re having issues in your couple, that’s what Frederic and I go as far as helping the couples. There are couples retreats and suggestions for anybody because this is an amazing piece of work is From Drama to Love. You can go FromDramaToLove.com to learn more information.
If there are buttons, you’ve got to remember the buttons are inside of you. You can’t parent from the buttons because you’re teaching your kids to have the buttons. The other thing is to remember you’re the adult. The next episode will be our third to the last. We are talking about all the objections to doing couples work. Why one person in the couple wants to do it and why the other one won’t or don’t. Come back next episode as we wrap up our Conscious Connected Coupling.
