To understand how to handle conflict at work, we have to start with a basic statement of fact: You cannot control the thoughts, moods, or actions of any other person besides yourself.
You cannot put your jealous co-worker at ease so she stops trying to undercut you. You have zero control over the way your client responds to the product you just delivered. Likewise, the economy, current trends in your industry, and the culture of your workplace have a momentum all their own. And this trajectory is occurring independently of anything you might feel about it.
So, what can you do when you find yourself crosswise with some aspect of your work? Are you destined to experience conflict when what’s currently happening is other than you’d like it to be?
Absolutely not!
But the only power you have to shift your experience lies in your ability to change your perspective. There is no point, whatsoever, in trying to change another person or condition. As the old saying goes, you can’t change the wind, but you can change your sails. And when you change your sails, you move effortlessly in an entirely new direction.
If conflicts at work have you feeling frustrated to the point that you’re considering looking for another job, take a pause. Here are 5 steps you can take to handle workplace conflicts and use them to return to your spiritual center.
Step 1:
Give yourself permission to express fully – whether verbally or in writing – exactly what it is about your work environment that you don’t like. What external condition or behavior causes you conflict when you encounter it? For example, I’m upset because I was not chosen for that promotion. Or, I hate that my office mate takes my things without my permission.
Step 2:
Consider that this condition or behavior, in and of itself, is not the real cause of your conflict. What is causing your conflict is the meaning you are assigning to that condition or behavior. Now allow yourself to identify what you are making the conflicting situation mean.
If you were not chosen for a promotion, you might make that mean that the executives in your company don’t value your talent or dedication. If a coworker misplaces something of yours, you might make that mean that he or she doesn’t respect you, or that they are taking advantage of your generosity.
Try to go beneath the behavior, and ask yourself why it’s so upsetting to you. You’ll inevitably find that you are interpreting it in a negative way (and, yes, often justifiably so).
Step 3:
Next, see if you can identify the primary negative emotion that is evoked within you when you interpret this behavior or situation in that way. For example, if your interpretation of not getting promoted is because you are undervalued, you may feel hurt or unappreciated. If you feel your coworker is disrespecting or taking advantage of you, you may feel anger, frustration, or powerlessness.
Step 4:
Now ask yourself, “How would I like to feel in this relationship or situation?” If you could wipe the slate clean and show up as the person you most want to be, how would you look and feel? Would you feel self-confident? Centered? Resourceful?
Step 5:
Finally, acknowledge that you have the power to show up the way you want to, independent of the attitudes or actions of anyone else.
Yes, this can be a jagged pill to swallow at first, but it is the only true, long-lasting ticket to freedom.
The real discomfort of personal or professional conflicts has nothing to do with the other person’s behavior. The discomfort comes from giving over our power to another person or situation over which we have no control. But there is another choice!
You don’t need to wait until you’re in an unpleasant interaction or situation to decide how you want to respond. Instead, you can decide in advance how you want to show up and how you want to feel. And once you’ve identified that, you can set yourself up to experience that in every way you can think of. You can be your own self-advocate, in the same way, you would advocate for anyone you love.
Take some time before work to decide in advance the mood, attitude and energy you most want to convey. Imagine this energy permeating your workspace and rippling out to all you interact with. And from this new vantage point, as someone who is confident and resourceful, look for the best in everyone around you. Deliberately view your coworkers and clients as being beneficial to you in some way. You will be amazed at the ways that new evidence of that benefit shows itself to you
Christy Whitman is an energy healer, celebrity coach, and the New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All: A Woman’s Guide to Unlimited Abundance. To understand how to more deliberately co-create the life you desire, visit WatchYourWords.com and gain access to a free 30-day training.
