Movies and stories have taught us that when you find “the one,” you can have it all in your relationship which leads to lasting happiness. However, is it realistic to anchor all your needs for human connection on one person? In this episode, Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman clarify this mistaken belief. They review the four quadrants of life and remind you that your relationship is only a quarter of the equation. This episode will give you a sensible view of your partner and how both of you can have it all without the burden of too many expectations.
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Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
How To Have It All In Your Relationships
We are going to be talking about how to have it all in your relationships. The first thing that I want to say is that I am the author of The Art of Having It All. I’m going to read an excerpt that is important that’s about having it all. Having it all is understanding what would you love in all aspects of your life. If you think of the four quadrants of your life that are divinely designed to have aspects of our life work. Our health and well-being, what we have inside of our bodies, what our bodies look like and feel like. Your abundance in all aspects, whether it’s time abundance, financial abundance. What do you want? How much travel do you want to take? How much money do you want in the bank? How much money do you want to have at your disposal so that you can do the things that you want?
Money is a symbol of freedom. When you have it, you have choices that you can make with it. The third is having creative self-expression. Whether it’s having your own business, having projects you’re working on. Having something that you feel divinely connected to that creates great success. The fourth quadrant is having loving and supportive relationships. If you sit down and look at each aspect of those four quadrants, especially as we focus it on the show, your relationships are designed to be loving and supportive. What I want to talk about is that a lot of times people think having it all means that the person that I’m in a relationship needs to be it all for me, needs to do it all for me and needs to be my source of all my support, all my connection and all my fulfillment. That’s setting yourself up for disappointment and big huge expectations.
When you talk about those four quadrants, imagine having that one person filling all of these four quadrants. That’s putting so much pressure on that person. There’s no way one person could do that. You’re setting up for failure.
We look at each other in a partnership and say, “You have to be the fulfillment of all of these things.” Our true source is our divine self. The life that breathes us is our true source and supply. It is our true protector, our provider, our supporter. Energetically, whatever we’re wanting to feel in any aspect of our lives, including our relationships, we have the power to connect with that feeling. We don’t have to look at our partner and say, “I want you to fulfill me. You’re not doing enough. Give me what I want.” You can come from the place of being connected with the real true source of who can give you that sense of fulfillment.
Having It All: If you expect to get all the conversations, perspective, and fulfillment from one person, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Frederic and I talk about how we have it all in our relationship, but there are many other relationships that we have. When you think of it from a totality like loving relationships. I don’t put all my eggs in one basket into Frederic. I have girlfriends that I get to spend girlfriend time where I get fulfilled and I create a sense of different connection and joy with them than I do with him. I get a little different sense of connection and joy with my kids that is very different than I do with Frederic. Even my puppy. There are different people in our lives having that total sense of having it all in all of our relationships. When we look to that one person, it’s almost burdensome that I have to hold all this for you and be everything for you.
It’s way too much pressure to put on that person. You’re not saying it, but to witness you are the one and only person that gives me the satisfaction in all of these aspects of life. Having it all is witnessing the other person taking care of themselves. When I witness you taking care of yourself in all these aspects, I’m proud to be your partner. I’m happy to be there and to witness all of these ways that you take care of yourself. For us, that’s the having it all. We’re able to take care of us, of all of these ways, what we are wanting from life, our choices, our beliefs, our emotions, our thoughts. The only person for us that can take care of that is us. We’re able to come together in the relationship, be with each other and have all these amazing, wonderful experiences together in a joyful way.
A friend of mine is in a relationship with a partner. They’ve been together several years. Every aspect that she’s ever wanted in a partnership, he gives. He’s very adventurous. He’s very outdoorsy. He loves to spend quality time with her. He’s a lawyer so he’s very well-established in his own career and loves what he does. He does well financially. Money for either one of them is never an issue. They get to have the freedom and the choices that they want, but one area for her is she wants to have more depth of a spiritual connection. When she and I talk, we go to the very depth of source, the Law of Attraction, attracting things, dramas and because being a victim.
All these depths of conversation of having it all, what that means and being able to talk about energy, vibration, energy mastery and all those different depth conversations. She’s not able to have that level of conversation with him and feels that she’s missing that. When I explained to her, I go, “You’re not missing that. When you think of all of the relationships that you have in your life, you have several friends that you can have that level of conversation with, myself included. That’s where when you feel you’re wanting that thing, not to look at Joe as the one that you want to have it with.
He’s not saying I don’t want to talk to you about it, but he’s not going to contribute much because he’s not there. He listened to you, which is great. He’s not telling you to not be that way or he doesn’t want to hear that stuff. He’s willing to listen to you, but as far as contributing, don’t look at him as being it all because you’ve got me, you’ve got your other girlfriends that can provide that essence, that feeling, that connection that you’re looking for.” The same is true with Frederic. There are some things in our relationship where I get juiced up with being with a girlfriend and having talks about kids, mom and things that we’re doing because it’s a different perspective. He can’t talk to me from a mom’s perspective because he’s not a mom.
We have the same kids and we talk and share our own perspective. Coming from a mom’s perspective, from a girlfriend perspective, from a woman’s perspective even, whether it’s like, “I’m going through premenopausal or all the stuff that women go through.” He can’t understand that. Frederic can’t contribute to that conversation that way. He won’t tell me to not talk to him about it. As far as talking it over with a girlfriend, “What herbs are you trying for that?” I get fulfilled with my girlfriends in a very different way. Looking at the aspect of loving relationships when you have one person and you’re like my girlfriend was, she broke up with Joe for a while because she felt this part is missing. When she realized there’s so much good here, there are so many positive aspects about that, “I’m going to go and find this part in other friendships.” Now she feels like she’s got it all.
That’s why we say come from a place of appreciation for your partner. What are the things that you appreciate of that partner? Look for the positive aspects. Be grateful for the ways that he shows up. That can be the motivation to move along and move forward in their relationship together. It’s like watching TV for me. It’s not all the channels that when you’re watching TV, you’re choosing your channels that you like. When I’m watching TV, there are some channels that I like and then there are some channels that we like together, but I’m not going to want to necessarily watch the channels that you like and vice versa.
Having It All: The key to having it all is knowing that you already do.
Because I wrote the book The Art of Having It All and I want to read an excerpt from it. One of my girlfriends gave me this gift, which is great. The secret to having it all is knowing that you already do. When you’re coming from a place of sufficiency, when you’re coming from a place of “I have it all. I love it all. I appreciate it all. I’m grateful for it all” and you shift your perspective on the parts that you don’t quite have it and you realize, “What am I missing or what do I perceive that I’m missing?” Another way of saying it is “What am I noticing the contrast? What am I experiencing that I do want in my relationship from this contrast?”
Maybe it’s not the relationship of your spouse or your partner that you’re going to get it with. Maybe it’s with the guy friend going golfing or maybe it’s with a girlfriend going to a spa. Being able to recognize within yourself any place where you have levels of discontent and then asking yourself, “What do I want instead? What is it that I am searching for? I can have it all. I do have it all. I have the ability to create all that I’m wanting” and then be able to get clear within yourself. I wanted to read this. If you’ve read this book, it’s a good reminder. If you haven’t, it will give you a little bit of an idea of what this book is about.
“To have it all is to live in the fullness of all that you already are, is to be energetically connected to the truth of who you are, which is complete, full and amazing. The full expanded experience of who you are cannot be described with words or conceived with the mind. It can only be experienced through feeling. How connected or disconnected we are to our feelings determines our experience of fullness or emptiness. The feeling is always the key to the fullness, nothing more. Every moment we choose not to feel or to project our feelings, we are choosing to not have it all. Every time we say yes to our feelings and therefore yes to ourselves, we’re choosing to allow the fullness of our being to be expressed. If you want to have it all, especially in your relationships, all you need to do is become willing to feel it all, good, bad or indifferent.
Only the mind holds us apart. The free-flowing acceptance, awareness and expression of yourself is all that is required. There are kinks in the hose, aka resistance, that keeps you from experiencing the full magnificence of your greatness in any area. That’s the key to releasing them. It all comes from the inside.” I hope this has helped. I hope you can start looking at your partner and start appreciating all the ways that he shows up or she shows up, all the ways that they love you, contribute and all the things and the places where you have it all with your partner. The key to having it all is knowing that you already do.
You and your partner are enough in every aspects of your life.
Next episode, we are going to be talking about parents or what I like to call mom guilt, how to get over that and how it affects the kids, the family and the couple. If you need extra support, want extra support, you can go to ConnectedCoupling.com or you can go to ChristyWhitman.com. You can join the meditations. They’re 30 days to start working with your relationship and be on the lookout for other courses and things that Frederic and I are doing together. Thank you so much for being here.
Don’t forget to share with each other all of your experiences.
Thanks.
